This week I got to be part of a vision come to life, both my own and the building (Inner Space) that I am renting in finally realized. It was a big, audacious goal to go out on my own and do what I am doing for a living (mostly...I still have a pesky but helpful part time job). It made me reflect on how I even got to this place in my life and how unreal it feels.
Up to the minute that my son was born, I was trying to graduate from the university getting my degree in Health Sciences. I thought I would work in the nonprofit public health sector, with women in some way. I was literally on bed rest at 27 weeks pregnant struggling to finish final projects. The only thing that interrupted my studies was if I was in labor yet again or my son was once again at risk and needed to be monitored. I was forced to lie still for hours, days in bed. Those who know me, know that this is my version of hell. I was so determined to graduate and to keep my son in as long as possible. I did end up graduating, though I never celebrated it. My son was born at 28 weeks and things were terrifying and surreal. My life became very small and focused...about him. He was a teacher from the moment he was born. His name...Sage is so very appropriate. There was a boldness about him even then. I mean it isn’t easy to endure all that preemies endure. I felt something else being born inside of me too, a boldness like my little baby had...a will to survive but more; like him I wanted to surpass expectations. Lying still, waiting and wondering were the beginning of a rite of passage into motherhood and into a new realm of creativity in myself.
I never planned on being a mother. Being a mother seemed like the ultimate trap. I thought everything about me would fade if I became a mother. I would lose too much. I swear to you though, if it weren’t for becoming a mother I would be so very lost still. Becoming a mother made me born again and I have never experienced such creative openness in my life...and I went to one of the best art schools in the nation...lol. I am not saying all people need to have babies to find themselves again, but I will say that often creativity comes from things unplanned, constraints. Inspiration to live beyond what is expected comes from little 3 pound 4 oz ideas that seem to take over your life and demand more from you.
After 40 days we brought home our 4 pound baby, one would think I should be focused more than ever on practicalities. As I moved into being a mother and an unafraid person again, my past failures resurfaced. I had never been one to take a safe route. I had never been one to shy away from my vision or my out there ideas until I failed so very badly that I chocked on all the dust I ate. All of this resurfaced. I had to sort what was fear and what was not. Could I forget the failure of my ideas not working out? Well it didn’t matter because my son deserved a mother who lived authentically and free. We all deserve to live authentically and free. This is what everything I do is all about.
The Empress is this bold fertility. She is the mother. She is beautiful and everything she touches grows to its best capacity. She is mother earth. She is what blooms around you, what you taste, smell, see, hear and feel. She is the nurturer of all creatures. She nurtures with ease and enjoys with ease. She is not afraid to be seen. She is life itself. She asks you to accept miracles and the divine even if you can’t explain it. She doesn’t ask what you’ve done to earn abundance. She instead asks you to live to what you truly want...to your greatest creative potential. She doesn’t ask us all to bear children or to paint beautiful pictures, but she does ask us to all create. She asks us as if it is our payment to live on the earth and in community. She asks what do you want to create? Why don’t you create it?
Mantras for The Empress
What are some out there ideas I have been withholding?
How is withholding my gifts a dissservice to those around me?
What is the worst that could happen if I take one little step today?
What do I hide behind?
Walk in nature with no music. Spend time on each sense either on one walk or do 5 different walks or outdoor meditations. For example, walk or sit to only see, then only to hear, then only to taste, then to smell. Be safe and creative with this. Another way to do this is to focus your day around one sense. Create rituals for that day to engage these senses...then of course journal.
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