I had this dream right before I turned 30 years old. I died. I didn’t know how or when but I knew that I was dead. The thing was that I kept trying to fool everyone into thinking I was still alive, even myself. I left my mom a voice mail and she let me listen to it. My voice was all whispers, no words were audible. She gently told me to accept that I had in fact died. “Accept it and you will be even more powerful...you’ll be able to fly.” she said. I kept going about my life in the dream, pretending. In waking life, things were shifting in my life. Parts of me were dying off, my identity was completely shifting on the shaky ground beneath me. I felt myself being put through the fire of life, but still I stubbornly gripped on.
Change is terrifying. Especially the kind of change that kills parts of you off. But the killing of these parts of you is the ultimate act of compassion. The Mother Goddess Kali is the only one who can and who dares to drink the demon’s blood, the only one able to kill them as they mutliply. She loses her mind in the midst of her battle and many fear her, but her terror is compassion. What happens to us if we sink to the seemingly bottomless pit of hell and lose our minds? What happens if we relinquish prim and proper control over our lives? What happens if we keep pretending that we are still living our old lives and accept our transmutation? What happens if we accept Death?
I let those parts of me die off to make room for new growth eventually. From Death I emerged something new. I look at my past self with love and compassion now but also in awe that I was so scared to change. I emerged more powerful by everything getting destroyed.
Death reminds us of our mortality. It reminds us that life is so very short and definitely way too short to pretend and grip onto false identities. Death is the card for Scorpio and as we approach..gulp... winter here in the Northern Hemisphere we will be reminded of Death more than ever. Transformation is like right there...if we can make it through the winter.
"Death is not extinguishing the light, it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come." Rabindranath Tagore
Chakras: Sacral and Crown
Mantras for Death
Ways to Support Yourself in Transformation:
1. Find what grounds you.
So not everything is falling apart...it might seem like it but there is one small thing you can hold onto to ground you. For me it was yoga. In the midst of my addiction recovery, my horrendously unhealthy relationship and trying to figure out what I wanted to do in life I always had yoga. The great thing about yoga is that it can be flexible to what you need that day. What grounds you might be a daily walk or a bath or at one time everyday you choose to read or make jewelry. ANYTHING. I would advise against Netflix only because you don't want to numb out. This is a potent time in your life...don't waste it being numb. SO find things that get you out of your head but don't numb you out and I bet you'll find answers BUT...
2. Release the need to know
This time is chaos. It is darkness. We are confused. It's only natural to want to know like right now, but by rushing answers. This can be torture, so why not let go for now? Easy right? It gets easier and if you give yourself space to think answers will come. So maybe say to yourself "I do not have to know right now" Focus instead on your one grounding practice, being aware but not overly focused. This is where meditation comes in.
3. Find your way to meditate.
The way I meditate changes sometimes weekly. Sometimes I need to do movement or lie down or honestly just stare off into space. Usually I breath with a mala after I read some affirmations, but I do what I need that day. Integrating purposeful silence into your day is something I think a lot of us lack. My friend who is from Japanese said once that Americans don't know how to be bored. So get bored. Let your mind rest. Integrate this time into your one grounding practice.
I do not want to give you a huge list of things to do because if you are like me, you will try to do all of them and this time is mostly to be comfortable in discomfort. Even doing tasks can be numbing and again we don't want to numb out right now. So keep it simple. Pick one practice. Be silent once a day. And release the need to know now.
Here is a tarot spread for Death:
You can use this with tarot, oracle cards or as journaling prompts.